Rebound

It's hard going through a break up especially if it was with the very first person you loved and gave yourself to. We often thought na yung first natin ang magiging kasama natin habang buhay. But life is not always full of bliss and happiness. I used to think that there will be a "Happilly Ever After" in my life, or that somewhere, somehow, someone will just pick me up and be happy with me. I was wrong...

After my painful break-up with Alex, I started partying around. I got extremely obsessed with my looks. I became so active with my soccer and my volleyball team, my other extra-curricular activities in school and madalas nakakalimutan ko na kumain. I developed an eating disorder, anorexia nervosa.

I will look at myself in the mirror and I will feel so fat, no matter what my friends say na sobrang payat ko na. I will drink my heart out every single night. I'm a natural born sport freak so no matter how bad I had become I still can play. I've been a bad girl, literally. I've gone to a sweet, innocent, loving girl to a bitchy, girl-kissing bitch. OO tama narinig nyo. I've also spent my time with girls. Not to the extent that I would sleep with them but I was seen messing around the bars with them.

It all ended when I met Jess. He was not as good looking as Alex, but he'll do. Since I put myself to school, I didn't have the privilege of an allowance. I have to work myself to school basically. I was 18 that time, when I became an assistant manager of Tim Horton's Coffee (a famous coffee shop in Canada). In the morning I go to school, in the evening I work, then after 11 pm end of my shift I go drinking. That was my life.

Jess was one of our customers. He gave me the attention that no other guy had given me. He was an inch shorter than I am. He was thin, pero maganda ang nose and lips nya. His eyes as well are a bit squinty, yung tipong pag ngumiti wala nang mata. All in all he wasn't my type. Pero slowly I fell for him.

The first time I noticed him was when he bought his tea, I can still remember it. Large tea, double double with milk. Kasama nya noon si Ate Lisa, co-worker nya and kapatid nyang si Carl. Every time napapadaan sya he would simply smile at me or minsan nabubulol sya when he orders. Di ko sya type pero I will get disoriented kasi the way he looks at me kakaiba. I gave him coffee instead of tea. Grabe nakakahiya. From that time na nagkamali ako nagkalakas sya ng loob na manligaw.

Carl: Miss, ano pangalan mo?

Gelai: Bulag ka ba? Ayan kaya sa name tag ko!

Carl: Ang suplada mo naman.

Gelai: Ang obvious kasi di na tinatanong.

Carl: Di naman ako ang gusto talaga magtanong eh. Kuya ko.

Gelai: E di sabihin mo sa kuya mo na if gusto nya malaman sino ako sya magtanong.

Carl: (almost pabulong sa sarili) Patay kang bata ka kuya magkakagusto ka na lang sa suplada pa!

Gelai: At wag ka ring bubulong bulong dyan if alam mo naman na maririnig ko rin. Eto na order mo.

Carl left my store without my name or my number. Nakita ko ring binatukan sya ni Jess sa labas.

Kinabukasan si Jess na ulit ang bumili ng drinks nila. This time medyo nakayuko sya.

Gelai: The usual ba?

Jess: Oo, pero this time pwede ba yung tea ko wag mo gawing coffee?

Gelai: If nagkamali pala ko last time e di dapat nireklamo mo na agad di yung ibabalik mo sakin ngayon.

Jess: Gusto mo ba magreklamo ako? Ok fine asan ang manager nyo?

Gelai: Kausap mo ngayon.

Jess: Well then di ko masabi ang reklamo ko ngayon kasi ang kausap ko medyo mataray. Ano nga ba number ng manager nyo para makapagreklamo ako?

Gelai: Are you asking me for my number?

Jess: Ang sabi ko number ng manager nyo hindi ng number mo Miss Angelique.

Gelai: Eh ako nga manager eh.

Jess: Eh di bigay mo number ng manager.

I got frustrated that I just gave him his order. Sya naman nakangising lumabas ng store.

The next day he came back again and this time medyo parang inis na ang mukha.

Jess: Miss manager may complaint ako.

Gelai: Ano complaint mo?

Jess: Crew mo sobrang suplada and laging mali ang binibigay sakin. Sabi
ko nang tea gusto ko hindi coffee eh.

Gelai: Oh sorry ah, medyo bad trip kasi ako lately eh.

Jess: Wag mo kasi dinadala kabadtripan mo sa work.

Gelai: Eh work ko nga nambabadtrip sakin eh. For example, ikaw.

Jess: Nababadtrip ka sakin?

Gelai: Oo.

Jess: O sige di mo na ko makikita.

My next shift came and he didn't come. So as the following days, and well the whole month. I was getting worried, ni hindi ko alam bat ako affected na di ko sya nakikita. Until my school year ended and I worked the morning shift and the evening shift straight. Nagpalit pala sya ng shift that day na huling visit nya kaya di ko na sya nakikita after that.

Jess: Miss Angelique, mahal talaga ako ni Lord.

Gelai: Excuse me?

Jess: Tinupad nya hiling ko na palipatin ka sa shift ko. Galing ka school dala mo na naman yang bag ng laptop mo eh?

Gelai: First of bakasyon na kaya no di ako galing sa school, secondly ano naman paki mo kung san ako galing?

Jess: Ang taray mo talaga. Ano nga ulit number mo?

Gelai: Argghhhhh...

I left him sa may pintuan banda ng store while I moved my way back to the kitchen. Pero di ako asar. I was actually smiling. Siguro kasi no one really gave me this much attention that lasted for well ilang buwan na diba.

When I was ready to face the crowd I have my number written on one of our napkins. Para di halata na binigay ko sa kanya number ko. I handed him his order and the napkins. Bahala na sya mag figure out kung ano yun.

Wala akong tawag from him. Siguro di na sya interested sakin sabi ko sa sarili ko. Until the next day he went to my workplace. Day off nya yun and alam ko yun.

Jess: Gel, kelan day off mo?

Gelai: Tomorrow.

Jess: Nagbibilliards ka ba?

Gelai: Hindi.

Jess: Gusto mo matuto?

Gelai: Sure!

Jess: Sige sunduin ka namin ni Carl bukas. Punta tayo ng Sharks and billiards.

Gelai: Ok. magkakape ka ba?

Jess: Tea (sabay kindat)

Gelai: Oo nga pala tea.

Jess: Mahal na mahal mo siguro ako kaya ka laging nagkakamali sa order ko.

Gelai: Oo di ako mapakali pag nandyan ka kasi di ko alam kung saang circus ka galing.

Natawa na lang sya and then bago sya umalis he said he'd call me.

We talked all night pag uwi ko from work. Masarap sya kausap. Malambing.

We went to play billiards that night. He ordered his usual beer, I have my screwdriver. Si Carl di uminom kasi nga he is driving. I have my cousin to follow me just in case something comes out and gusto ko na umuwi. In the end I stayed, my cousin getting tired so he went home early.

Jess: Ano game na tayo? di ka pa naglalaro eh.

Gelai: Sure, pero di ako marunong maglaro eh.

Jess: Don't worry I'll teach you.

So I pretended na di ako marunong maglaro, not because nagpapacute ako pero kasi I wanted to beat his ass. I wanted to know how he plays. After a few games my real knowledge on billiards came out. Pero maangas sya sabi nya magaling lang daw syang teacher. Nagkaron kami ng pustahan. If I lose I go home with him...If I win, bahala ako sa consequence. After 5 games I won 4 out of the 5...Carl left na rin so we were left to take the bus or taxi home.

Jess: Ano gusto mo? You won (asar nyang tanong)

Gelai: Since I won, why don't we go to your place.

Jess: Sure ka?

Gelai: Sure why not wala naman ako pupuntahan.

Jess: Ok then let's go.

We left the bar and I thought I will have to chance to get to know him without the crowd, without his brother or my cousin. Nasa elevator kami ng building nila when he asked me for a kiss. I didn't feel anything. Di ko sya mahal, pero I gave in to the kiss. Siguro it's the longing na lang to be kissed again kaya ako nagpaubaya. We were at his apartment door na that time...he put in the key and opened the door. Nagulat na lang ako ng pagbukas nya ng door, Carl was there, his mom was there and well pati isa pa nyang kuya was there. It was a full apartment.

Gelai: Ano ba yan Jess nakakahiya.

Jess: Don't worry, kilala ka naman nila. I told them that I found the girl I wanted to be with and isang araw dadalihin ko sya dito.

Gelai: Huh? Wag mo nga ako biruin ng ganyan..

Nanay ni Jess: Ay iha, ikaw ba si Angel, naku napakagandang bata naman pala, kaya lang kailangan mo magpataba ng konti sobrang payat mo, kawawa mga magiging apo ko!

Jess: Nay, baka matakot naman wag nyong takutin.

Nakita ko si Carl na tawa ng tawa sa tabi.

Kuya Uri: Jess ano bibili na ba ko ng mangga?

Hinila ko si Jess palabas ng apartment, I wanted him to explain what was going on.

Jess: Bakit?

Gelai: Anong bakit?

Jess: Gel, I know what I want and from the time I saw you I want you kaya I wanted you to meet the entire family. Sabi ko naman sayo diba noon pa, darating din ang time na sasama ka sakin. And well, you did.

I was so tired that time and medyo tipsy na rin ako. I wanted to sleep beside nanay kasi ayaw ko may mangyari samin ni Jess, pero si nanay pa talaga ang nagpush na magtabi kami sa kama. Para bang sure na sure na sila na ako na nga yung magpapakasal sa anak nila. So sige natulog na lang ako dun.

I had my back on Jess, ayaw ko talaga. When he hugged me, nag tense ang katawan ko. Parang mali yung ginagawa ko. I wanted to leave in the middle of the night pero baka ano pa mangyari sakin lalo na yung time na yun uso ang mga na re rape na babae. Di nya ko pinilit to face him. He simply put his head near my shoulders, hugging me sa waist ko. Di naman nya ko binastos or anything kaya naman medyo nagrelax na rin ako.

I woke up with the smell of coffee and freshly cooked pancakes in the air. Jess, staring at me, smiling. He quickly came and sat down beside me, gave me a quick kiss on my forehead.

Jess: Gel, breakfast?

Gelai: Umm, yeah thanks...

Jess: Luto ko. Gel, the very first time I saw you, I knew na ikaw na nga ang gusto ko makasama my whole life.

Gelai: Jess, I...

Jess: Just give me a chance to prove it please.

He stood up then and took the tray from the side table. Para akong bata na sinusubuan nya. He was so sweet. I felt like I wanted to cry kasi here is a guy who's showing me what love is suppose to be and di ko sya kayang mahalin. But since mabait sya I gave in. After my break-up with Alex I did tell myself na hahanap ako ng magmamahal sakin...di bale na if di ko mahal...

Jess and I had fun together. He found out my fascination with billiards and was amazed at my cue stick and darts collection. I continued on working at Tim Horton's until I was promoted to manage 3 stores (Area Manager). After a few months I got a letter from the Robotics Company that I applied in. They hired me as a full-time Robotics Research Engineer. Jess got transfered back again in the Night Shift sa work nya. We seldom see each other na at nights so madalas na ko nakikitulog sa kanila. I will go home from work at around 5, sya naman aalis ng 7 pm so we have 2 hours together. Every two weeks mag rorotate ang day off nya so we have weekends together. I became closer to Nanay. Sya kasa kasama ko magshopping and maglakad lakad...bihira ang Nanay ng lalake kasundo ang Gf diba...so I was prod na nakuha ko ang loob ni Nanay.

I still have my own apartment up until my landlord told me na I only have 3 weeks to pack up. Palala lang daw. I was furious kasi I wasn't planning on giving up my apartment. Apparently, Jess talked to her and said that I will be moving in with him. Since I was in the middle of starting a new job, di na ko nakatanggi. Mahirap maghanap ng apartment diba?

I moved in with Jess, Nanay was so happy. Carl was a little bit upset kasi he has to move some of his clothes to make room for me. I didn't like the set up, living with some people. I got used to living alone. My first night living in with Jess was nice. I was welcomed by everybody. Kuya Yuri also said na aalis na rin sya to live with his girlfriend. Pero he did promise me na pag nagbuntis ako sya ninong and that sya bibili ng mangga ko. I felt so happy yet parang may mali...I set aside my missing feeling for my boyfriend. Rather I filled my thoughts with pictures of how happy we will be.

Jess: Bhe, our first night on our new bed...

Gelai: Yeah, I know...

Jess: May ibibigay ako sayo...

Gelai: Ano yun?

Jess: Sandali lang.

He stood up and took a small package from his jacket. He then sat down beside me.

Jess: Gel, look at me.

I looked at him with misty eyes, I know what he will ask me. I know what is coming...I had to stop him pero di ko ginawa. Sabi ko sa sarili ko I want to be happy.

Jess: Gel, this is just rings to show you how much I love you. Pero that is not enough. The moment we go home sa pinas next year. I will marry you in front of all our relatives.

Gelai: Jess, I...

Jess: Gel, you are the best thing that ever happened in my life.

I was totally speechless...di ko alam ano isasagot ko. I can feel his love but I'm still questioning myself. I simply hugged him...as no words would leave my mouth.

For the first time since we started dating, Jess held me in his arms so tight. It was as if he would not allow me to go anywhere. He kissed my forehead, my chin, my cheeks next, and then slowly planting butterfly kisses on my lips. His right hand now at the back of my head as his left was at my back, caressing, slowly, tempting me to inch in forward and deepen the kiss. My body betrayed me. My lips and tongue got ready for a battle. I answered his kisses with a great demand on my own. As he parted my lips apart, my tongue darted to meet his. He would force me to slow down as he would bit my lower lip and suck on it gently. I will reply with catching my breath inhaling quickly to give in to another round of kisses.

Lost in kisses, I now have myself positioned in bed. Him on top of me. My shirt suddenly felt uncomfortable. My body burning up from the teasing game we had earlier. He had his shirt undone, his zipper open. Though we had slept together before I haven't seen his cock until this time. He got out of his pants, lowering it fast, as he kissed my nipples still covered with my garments. He started undressing me in between kisses. I did not stop him. He kissed my neck down my chest, in between my cleavage as he gently massage my breast. He then took time licking and sucking both breasts...I was in ecstasy. My reaction was to touch his cock, that was then pointing directly at my covered pussy. He's grinding motion, only created havoc to my being. I felt so hot, that I lost any thoughts of not loving him. At that time I became a slave to lust. He went lower to my pussy. I was anticipating a kiss, a lick. But it never came. He touched my clit, circling movements with his thumb, I saw him looking at me. I looked away. I closed my eyes just feeling, what he was doing. He inserted a finger in me. It had been a year since I last had sex, and this just felt so good. My pussy still tight, Jess, tried to put in two fingers. I gasp and breathed in deeply.

Gelai: Oh God...shit...don't fucking stoppp...ahhhhhh

Jess continued to look at me. His cock growing to it's size. He was not as long as Alex, but he was thick. I felt almost scared if my pussy can take such meat inside if I'm having problems with just two fingers. I reached out for his cock once more. I want to see if it will fit my mouth. But he wouldn't let me. I was getting close to cumming...

Gelai: Damnnnnn, ohhhhhhh....ahhhhh...FUCK ME NOW PLEASE!!!

Jess took his fingers out of my pussy, took off my underwear quickly. Positioned on top of me, he looked in my eyes, questioning. I didn't bother answering. I closed my eyes again. I reached out to find his throbbing cock, guided it towards my pussy. Slowly he moved in...hard at first...but my wet pussy contracted and it gave him the opportunity to move forward when it relaxed. With my hands on his back...I reached out to his butt, and pulled him deep towards me.

Jess: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...ang sikip mo Gel, bhe, akin ka lang, wala nang ibang makakatikim sayo. I won't let you...You're mine bhe...all mine!!!

I felt a moment of fear inside me...I put it aside again simply becaue I was now going close to my own climax. He started moving, faster and faster. He would retreat slowly and then slam his cock deep in me again. I went crazy because of what he was doing. He would do 3 slow strokes and then 3 fast ones...alternating. I don't know what he was doing but it was wonderful. He sat up, his cock still embedded inside me. As he positioned himself, he lifted my legs to his shoulders, he raised my hips up a bit, and he rammed himself inside...he would retreat and then move his cock clockwise and then back inside again.

Gelai: Fuck...shit...aaaahhhhh...ooohhhhhh....hhhhhhuhhhhhh...damn it! Keep fucking me...faster...

Jess: You want this bhe? Here...ayan....eto pa...ummm ummm...ummm...ayan pa....fuck you gelai...ang sarap mo...ahhhhhh

As he moved deeper and faster inside me, we both started to move furiously...Our bodies tensing up almost at the same time...he didn't pull out. With one last thrust, my body convulsed. He started shuddering, body almost shaking, I felt his warm cum, watering my fertile womb.

Jess: Gelai...mahal na mahal kita...

Gelai: I know...mmmm...

I hugged him that night. Thinking to myself, I will try to love him the way he loves me. I will try...no...I will be his wife...

For the next two months of our being together, Jess was so sweet. He would do everything for me. I was on top of my career goals as well. He got promoted to a higher position. Financially we were doing fine. I'm a born workaholic. Any task given to me I give in 100% or maybe more. Dumating na sa point na minsan nakakauwi ako ng 8 pm na just because of our research on Nanobots. I love my job and I know Jess loves me. I wasn't aware that our relationship was going down.

When I met Jess, he drinks a lot na. Pero when we started dating he stopped. He even stopped smoking. Around May 2001, he started going out with his peers again. Lagi nang late umuuwi. One day umuwi ako ng maaga thinking that he would be home. It was a weekend na wala syang work...and ako naman I have work on Saturdays pero I took an early off. Getting pissed because he wasn't at home I called his cell. Walang sumasagot.

Normal routine na naman everynight ang manood ng t.v. sandali before we sleep...pero that day changed. Parang wala sya sa sarili nya.

Gelai: Bhe...ginabi ka ata.

Jess: Maaga ka ngayon, wala kang date?

Gelai: Date? Kelan ba ko nakipag date? Last time I remember ikaw ang ka date ko.

Jess: May nakakita sayo sa Markham, kasama mo lalake mo.

Gelai: Markham is where I work, kung may kasama man ako ka office mate ko yun.

Jess: Sabay pa kayo kumain.

Gelai: Syempre lunch time yun. Alangan naman di ako kumain!

Jess: Mas masarap ba sya sakin?

Gelai: Jess, ano ba pinagsasabi mo? Lasing ka lang bukas tayo mag usap pag matino na yang utak mo.

Jess grabbed me upwards towards him, pinned me to the wall.

Jess: Diba sabi ko akin ka lang, walang ibang makakahawak sayo. Walang ibang makakahalik sayo. At eto...eto (bigla nyang sinapo ang pussy ko) Titi ko lang ang makikinabang dyan!

Gelai: Jess, pls nasasaktan na ko...let me go. Matulog na lang tayo pls.

Jess: Bakit pagod ka na ba? Napagod ka ba sa lalake mo?

Gelai: Wala akong lalake. Ano ba pinagsasabi mo? Sino naman ang nagsabi sayo na may lalake ako? Iharap mo sakin ng maiharap ko sa inyo yung pinagbibintangan nyo na lalake ko.

Medyo natauhan si Jess. I felt fear. I was looking at his eyes the whole time and I saw anger, madness. Natakot ako. Jess hugged me suddenly.

Jess: I'm sorry bhe...I'm sorry.

He kissed me softly. Parang bumalik na yung dating Jess na kilala ko. I was alarmed by the sudden change of moods pero sabi ko na lang sa sarili ko, mahal ako ni Jess di nya ko pababayaan. He led me to our bed. No more foreplay, he just took off my clothes and his clothes almost immediately. Pumatong say sakin and entered me. He wasn't his usual self. If noon he would have his usual "get me out of my mind" routine. What he did now was just go in and out of me...slowly...very slow. I got so frustrated that I turned him over. I'm now on top and I was straddling him. I inserted his thick cock on my now wet pussy. I hugged him and kissed him, while I move back and forth. His cock teasing my clit as well as I go move on top of him. I was close to cumming when I saw a glint of anger on his eyes.

Jess: Ganyan ba turo sayo ng lalake mo? Mangabayo?

Gelai: Jess, pls...

Jess: Gusto mo ng sex? Mahilig ka sa titi ah. Ayan, eto pa...ummm ummm.

Jess changed our position. He turned me over. Doggy style. He was ramming his cock fast on my pussy. Nasasaktan na ko, as he would hold on to my hair.

Jess: Puta ka! Pinaniwala mo ko na matino kang babae. Tulad ka rin ng iba.

I managed to get away from him...hinabol nya ko.

Jess: Gel, sorry na...pls...sorry na.

now on my back again he inserted his still hard cock...and after a few mins he came.

I can't think anymore. I was in shock of what just happened. I wanted to pack my bags and just sprint out of the apartment. I just witnessed him changed personality in matter of seconds. But inside me, I wanted to stay. I wanted to make his pain and fear na may iba akong lalake to go away. I hugged him. He was sleeping na parang batang naglalambing. My tears slowly came down my cheeks.

______________________________________________________

August 2001

I woke up in the morning not feeling well. I went straight to the washroom and threw up. Something I ate lang siguro sabi ko sa sarili ko. At lunch time I had this craving for Dinaing na Bangus. I went to the Filipino Store near by and purchased an uncooked package. I rushed home cooked and ate. Di ko agad naubos so tinakpan ko yung tira sa lamesa and then nakatulog ako.

Gelai: Nasaan na yung Bangus ko?

Nanay: Kinain na ni Carl gutom daw sya.

Gelai: Ano ba naman yan, sakin yun eh. (I was sniffing back the tears)

Nanay: Gel, Ok ka lang iha? Bat ka umiiyak?

Gelai: Ewan ko nay...gusto ko ng bangus.

Nanay: Bangus lang iniiyakan mo na.

Nilapitan ako ni Nanay, hinawakan nya ang ulo ko, tinignan mga mata ko. and finally tinitigan ako sa mata.

Nanay: Gel, buntis ka.

Gelai: Nay naman bangus lang gusto ko buntis na ko.

Nanay: Tara punta tayo ng doctor.

Nanay and I went to my family doctor. And as Nanay said. I was indeed pregnant. Almost two months na.

When Nanay informed Jess, naging matino na naman sya. He was so busy talking to my tummy. He would take time walking with me and as my tummy grew, lagi na syang nakikita na nakayakap sakin in public. He was proud to be a dad. On my 6th month being pregnant, December na, I was told by my doctor na I have to be careful. High risk pregnancy ako and if I continued working long hours I might have an early delivery due to stress. So I stopped working and filed for an early maternity leave.

Around the 16th of December, I was feeling extremely sad. Death Anniversary ng dad ko. I wanted Jess to be beside me pero wala sya. He got home late na naman, lasing. As a good wife, I helped him change his clothes and pinunasan ko pa sya.

Gelai: Lasing ka na naman bhe.

Jess: Ano ba pakialam mo. Buhay ko to!

Gelai: Nag aalala lang Jess.

Jess: Bakit ba tanong ka ng tanong?

He stood up bigla. Hinila nya ko patayo and he pinned me sa wall na naman. Nag flash back ang mga nangyari 6 months ago before me. Sa biglaang pag hila nya at pag pin sakin sa wall, tumama ang ulo ko at nauntog ako. I passed out momentarilly.

Nanay: Gel, anak, ok ka lang ba. Nahimatay ka daw sabi ni Jess.

Gelai: Nay...huhuhuhuh

Nanay: Ano problema anak ko? (habang hinahaplos ang ulo ko)

Gelai: Wala nay namimiss ko lang Daddy ko...

Nakatingin lang sakin si Jess, takot at hinanakit ang nararamdaman ko that time, pero di na ko nagsalita pa. I simply let my tears fall. Sinarili ko ang sama ng loob, ang lungkot at ang takot.

Dumaan na ang pasko na parang wala pa rin ako sa sarili ko. Dec. 26 nagkaron ng inuman sa bahay. Di ako mapakali. Parang takot na takot ako sa amoy ng mga lalakeng umiinom ng alak. The drinking fest ended...I was still awake. My baby kept moving. Nanay was also asleep. My husband, drunk. I went downstairs to his sister at around 5 a.m. Dec. 27.

Gelai: Ate...manganganak na ko.

Ate Sarah: Gelai you're only almost 7 months.

She was about to say something else when she looked down my leg. She called her husband to drive me right away to the hospital. Pilit nyang ginising si Jess. Si Jess na kanina'y lasing lang ay nawala ang pagkalasing. He was holdng my hand althoughout our ride to the hospital. I was hyperventilating, crying at the same time.

Jess: Bat ganito? Ano ginawa mo sa anak ko? Gel, bakit ang aga.

Gelai: Wag mo ko hawakan Jess..I HATE YOU!!

Nagulat ang asawa ni ate Sarah sa sinabi ko. Wala silang kaalam alam sa mga pasakit na naranasan ko kay Jess. That day, I gave birth prematurely to a baby boy weighing only 4.11 lbs Caesarian Section. My baby was placed in the incubator for about 2 weeks before he was allowed to go home. Jess was again nice, spending time with our son Jacob. Naguguluhan ako sa nangyayari samin. Pero that time gusto ko na lang tumakbo paalis at kalimutan ang buhay ko with Jess.

I stayed home to care for our son until he was about 10 months. His being premature was a bit of a problem per at around 7 months he was doing well. He even started walking at 9 months. Our lives became somewhat normal again. We didn't fight for a while. I went back to work as A Robotics Research Engineer. But as I go up in my career, ganun naman ang pagiging insecure ni Jess. Dumating na sa point wherein he would go to my work place and literally stand outside the window of my office awaiting the time that I would answer calls from clients and colleagues. Then he would call me and would get mad stating that I was talking with a boyfriend or boyfriends as he specifically emphasized.

I go home every day with a heavy heart. I wanted to stay at the office because that's the only place I feel safe. Can you imagine? I feel better at work than at home. The only reason I still go home is because of Jacob, my then 10 month old baby.

He's not a bad father nor a bad husband. (That's how I viewed it before, I was young and stupid). I always give him credit for at least providing for his family.

Amidst all the effort, I still don't feel happy anymore. I stay just because we have a child.

April 2003

My career keeps going strong. Nothing can stop me from getting that Director position in my branch. I wanted it so bad that I decided to keep working till late hours. Overtime here and there. i just can't be stopped. Maybe it was my fault after all. As my job is in the professional side, I'd have to attend Galas and Formal Dinners. And I was still at my right mind to not bring my husband to one of those. One he drinks too much, two he would lose his head and then create a scene.

Annual dinner for my company is coming up. I have no escort, so I decided to just go ahead and spend my time with one of my colleagues. Jhun, another Filipino stayed with me the whole night. We danced, we talked, we had fun. It was such a big difference to be able to talk to someone about politics, current events and such. I have nothing like that at home. He dropped me home at around 10 pm. Jess was waiting at our apartment building balcony. I gave Jhun a quick kiss on the cheek and said my thanks for the wonderful evening.

I got inside the apartment. Jess was waiting. Before I can even say "hi" I was knocked out with a powerful punch. I regained consciousness when he was dragging me towards the couch.

Gel: Jess what the fuck are you trying to do?

Jess: What the fuck ba? Shit ka malandi ka. Kala mo ba di ko nakitang nakikipaghalikan ka sa gagong yun? Ano number nun para malaman nya na may asawa ka!

Gel: First of, he knows may asawa na ko, second, di ako nakikipaghalikan I gave him a kiss sa cheek as a thank you and third...

(WHAPAK)He smack my face with the back of his hand...

Jess: Puta ka binigay ko sayo buong buhay ko. Lolokohin mo lang ako. Tulad ka rin ni Arlene. Pareho kayong malandi.

The last hit on my face was my reality check. Every single thing flashed back on my head. From the minuscule detail of our relationship to the present. I just had enough of the hitting and shouting. I can' take it anymore. When he said the name "Arlene" my entire being just stopped breathing. Arlene was his ex-gf who apparently had sex with his best friend.

Gel: Fuck you Jess! I'm no fucking Arlene! Yan ba dahilan why our relationship is not working because in your mind your still with Arlene? Fuck this Jess! I wasted almost for years of my life with you.

Medyo natauhan na naman si Jess. He then hugged me, touched my now swollen face and then said sorry while trying to kiss me. I broke away from him and went to the room. I turned on my web cam. For some reason I had this feeling inside me that I needed to capture my bruises. After about 7 shots of my black eye, swollen cheeks and almost bloody eyeballs, I turned off my computer and went to bed.

I went to work the next day with my sunglasses on. Jhun noticed me and quickly ran to my side.

Jhun: Hey, musta na?

Gel: Don't wanna talk about it! Leave me alone.

Jhun: Huy ano ba? Kagabi ok ka naman. What's going on with you?

Gel: You wouldn't want to know...

Jhun: Oh come on Gel... For the past year you were my supervisor while I was a student. We became friends and you know that. Alam ko na how you look like pag may problem ka. And ngayon lang kita nakitang ganyan as if you're helpless.

Gel: Thanks for the emphasis on the "helplessness"!

Jhun: Angelique, serious ako...di ko lang sinasabi sayo pero halata ang maga ng face mo. What happened?

Jhun directed me to go to the board room. No meetings yet so we have the board room to ourselves. He made me sit down and took off my sunglasses.

Jhun: Shit! Who did this?

I didn't say anything.

Jhun: Who did this Gel?

Gel: My husband. (I started crying then)

Jhun just hugged me. He left me for a while came back with my bag and our jackets.

Jhun: I told Sheila we have a meeting to go to. You shouldn't be at work today. I'm bringing you somewhere where we can talk.

Gel: Thanks.

I didn't know Jess followed me to work that day. Of course, he thought something is going on especially now that I'm with the same person again.

Jhun and I went to Lakeshore. We just watched the waves. He told me that he was gay and is now living with his boyfriend. he made me laugh so hard that I almost forgot what had happened the day before.

I decided to go home on a taxi this time to avoid hassle from Jess. The moment I opened my door a fist hit my face again. Jess dragged me to our room, took off my clothes. He started touching my pussy as if searching for something.

Jess: Oh bakit di basa ang pekpek mo? Pinunasan mo ba para di ka mahalata na may ginawa kayo ng bf mo?

Gel: Ano na naman ba pinagsasabi mo? Shit Jess tama na please.

Jess: Bakit di ba ko kasing sarap nya?

(He put his face near my pussy and started licking it.)

Jess: Linis na linis to ah, talagang nilinis mo ang ebidensya.

Gel: Fuck Jess, walang nangyari samin ni Jhun.

Jess: Jhun pala pangalan ng gagong yun. Pinagpalit mo ko sa pangit na yun?

(He then put his fingers inside my pussy and I started getting wet)

Jess: Malibog ka talaga. sino ba talaga samin ang mas masarap Gel?

Gel: Ikaw lang Jess. Nobody else had touched me since naging tayo.

He hit me again on the face.

Jess: Fucking liar!

Jess went on top of me. I tried to get away but he rammed his cock inside me. I never thought that I will be raped by my own husband. He held me tight that I can't move. I tried to get away. Shouting, yelling for help. Every time I start to become louder, he would smack me again. He finally came. As his buddy became rigid, he hugged me...

Jess: I'm sorry Gel...I love you...

I just cried as he fell asleep. I slowly stood up to get myself cleaned up. But he pulled me by my hair.

Jess: San ka pupunta? Tatakas ka? Pupunta ka sa boyfriend mo?

Gel: I just needed to go to the washroom.

Jess: Dito ka lang!

I heard my son crying already. He had slept at the living room. Thank God he was asleep during the commotion. Jess didn't want me to go near my son.

Jess: Di mo pwedeng hawakan si Jacob. Puta ka. Walang nanay na puta ang anak ko.

Nagpintig ang tenga ko, I rushed to my son and for the first time in my life I decided to fight back with my life. He came to me again and I hit back. I pushed him on a corner, grabbed the phone and hit "911" I was fast to say, "I'm being beaten up by my husband" They traced my call as Jess took the phone away from me. Jess thought they won't be able to get to me.

Just few minutes later police came, handcuffed him and took him to the police station. His brother Carl came home and threatened that I should be out of the house by the time he comes back or else. I told the police what Jess' brother said and they also took him to the police station. Nanay was at Kuya Yuri that time, they didn't know what was happening until they got a phone call from the police and they bailed the brothers out.

I decided to leave Toronto and move to Mississauga, start a new life, a quiet one.